2019

Checking in... last time I did this was 2016, and boy was that a momentous year!

1:What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Started a job I love!

2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made one.

3:Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lots of people, it's that time of life

4:Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank the Lord

5:What countries did you visit?
Bermuda with Amanda

6:What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
I would like some chickens. A book deal. A house. 

7:What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Nothing really stands out, there were not too many highs or lows, so I'll take it. I'd say my first day at work, but I can't remember the date. Bermuda with Amanda

8:What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finding my place at work. Writing the first draft of a novel!

9:What was your biggest failure?
Not hiking/camping enough. Also, I technically closed my bikini business

10:Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes, I had terrible tendonitis in my foot that lasted over a year

11:What was the best thing you bought?
A new Macbook Pro? Tickets to see Ray and Kacey Musgraves

12:Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine! 

13:Whose behaviour made you appalled?
Every Trump supporter and Trump

14:Where did most of your money go?
Smoky.

15:What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The potential to take a vacation. But that's not gonna happen anymore. Yay pandemic of 2020. Also, little-known Ray Lamontagne songs. Bermuda.

16:What song will always remind you of 2019?
Still Can't Feel the Gin, Achin all the Time

17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
Happier, fatter, richer. Haha

18:What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travel. Always.

19:What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watch TV

20:How did you spend Christmas?
We drove to Wisconsin and Ohio

21:Did you fall in love in 2019?
Yes! With lots of things, people, life, nature. Love is everywhere.

22:What was your favourite TV program?
Godless? That might have been 2018

23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. 

24:What was the best book you read?
Only A Breath Apart (Katie McGarry), Star Crossed (Minnie Darke), Far From the Madding Crowd (Thomas Hardy)

25:What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ray Lamontagne's early, non-studio music

26:What did you want and get?
I don't know. I usually buy what I want

27:What did you want and not get?
Travel
 
28:What was your favourite film of this year?
Far From the Madding Crowd

29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Smoky. Having a great job

30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Americana

31:What kept you sane?
Smoky. Cooper.

32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ray.

33:What political issue stirred you the most?
The border wall and the destruction of the land

34:Who did you miss?
Our friends Blair and Austin. A nice neighborhood, our own home. Hiking.

35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

Peace and joy and truth are everywhere. They are God, God is everywhere and benevolent

36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Still can't feel the gin, though the air has grown thick, yes and the room it does spin.

If I was…

a month: June
a day of the week: Saturday
a planet: Jupiter
a sea animal: Seahorse
a piece of furniture: an old weathered cabinet filled with books, drawings, writing and art utensils, found objects, and photos
a gemstone: Aquamarine
a flower: Lily 
a kind of weather: 76 degrees, no clouds, sunshine, light breeze
a color: muted aqua blue
an emotion: serenity
a fruit: kiwi
a sound: birdsong
an element: water
a place: a cottonwood lined stream in the high desert
a taste: champagne
a scent: bergamot
an object: a book
a body part: eyes
a song: Harvest Moon, Neil Young
a pair of shoes: biker boots

Trying to Find Silver Linings

This has been a rough couple (18?) months. Despite some overwhelmingly positive things - getting Smoky, Joe having a great internship - I've experienced depression and anxiety on a level that hasn't been matched since college.

Recently Sydney at The Daybook offered a 7 day self-care challenge that completely blew my socks off and set me down a new path. I'm trying to learn a new way of thinking about myself. Trying to replace the old, negative lies I learned in childhood with truths. It's so hard. And when it seems like I just can't escape the negativity, the adversity, I still have to keep trying to believe the truths and shut down the lies.

When you can't stop arguing with your spouse and have to face the reality of your own deficiencies. When you run out of money and then get news that your already expensive horse needs more expensive care. When you find THE PERFECT job, have two great interviews, and still get rejected. When you ask for feedback on said rejection, and get silence. When you're trying to change and it just isn't good enough.

You still have to disbelieve the lies about worthlessness and believe the truths about worth and deserving love. It's hard.

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake - well I've made many and I'm trying to forgive myself - but I think maybe I should sell Smoky. Let someone else with deeper pockets and a healthier brain take care of him properly.

I've been unable to earn what I need to earn to take care of him on my own up to this point. The additional hours I could work have felt insurmountable, it feels like I've been sacrificing my sanity to work the hours I currently do. That combined with the travel, the expensive apartment, the health insurance, etc, has depleted my bank account. So, yesterday when I talked to the barn owner and she said the vet needs extra time to do Smoky's teeth and also wants to scope him for ulcers, it made me feel pretty panicky.

I decided to just go sit with him in his paddock and keep him company for a while. And when I did, it reminded why I ought to try harder for him. He followed me around the paddock and came to me when I asked him to. He stopped when I stopped. And when I sat down on a bucket, he opted to stop eating his hay and stand right next to me, practically on top of me, and playfully snuffle around and bite my hat while I rubbed his chest.

He is such a great dude and he deserves to be taken care of - treated appropriately for his ulcers, teeth done regularly, etc - and if I have to work an extra 5-10 hours a week for the next few months, I can do that right? I already feel like stripped of my self, bored to tears, and irritated beyond belief at my job, so it can't actually get that much worse, right??

Smoky

So last week Smoky was scheduled to have surgery at NC State on Tuesday.

We took him in on Monday and they did a lameness exam, as well as radiographs and ultrasounds.

He trailered well and walked into the hospital like a champ. Started chomping hay right away and was gentleman for the most part. He got a little pushy and grumpy during the lameness exam.

The vets found slight lameness in the back right ankle, where the fractured sesamoid is, and in the front right pastern, which is sort of new but old. When I moved Smoky to Ride The Sky and my vet, Chelsey, came out to take a look at him she noticed the right front pastern had some thickening and stiffness. But she wasn't extremely concerned about. It never came up in the PPE I had done by Bannon Woods in March, and I noticed nothing until around the time I moved him to RTS.

When I moved him, we had a traumatic trailer experience. We could NOT get him to back out of the tiny two-horse straight load trailer and he nearly fell and tripped a bunch of times. Eventually we had to back the trailer up to a platform that he could back out onto. It took 2 hours.

In March 2016, West Point Thoroughbreds shared a video of Smoky (TB Salute) and mentioned a tendon sheath issue in the right front ankle. So, I am assuming he somehow aggravated this old injury that was probably not properly rested at the time, and the vet suggested he was likely injected with steroids to mitigate the problem. Super.

So, the rads and ultrasounds!

The radiograph on the right hind showed dramatic improvement and healing in the sesamoid. Waiting to get the rads because it's seriously impressive. Dr. Redding said, "Whatever you've been doing has been obviously helpful, keep doing that."

But, he was more concerned with the pastern, and ultrasound revealed a pretty significantly damaged right branch of the distal suspensory that has some blood flow (ie inflammation or attempts at healing, we want the latter).

So, the vet says there's nothing we can really do right now except see how the body continues its attempts at healing. His prescription is daily hand-walking increasing by 5 minutes each week, for about a month, and if he stays the way he is or improves, we move to under-tack walking with the same progression. At any point, if he seems worse, we start over with rest and short walking times.

Hoping and praying things continue to get better from here!

Update

Well after a month of no improvement in terms of lameness at the trot and swelling/heat, I decided to request the x-rays from the PPE vet and send them to my vet here. Turns out the sesamoid was not "a little bit separated" but a lot separated and was not likely to rejoin on its own, especially considering how long its been since it got broken, about 7-8 months, so my vet recommended surgery.

Smoky will be having surgery in early June and then we're in it for the LONG HAUL. He's been getting turned out at night in a small round pen with a standing wrap on, which seems to be doing little for the leg. He's tolerating it very well, has a great mind, and seems to be happy when I take him out to eat grass. But I can tell he's pretty lonely out there in the round pen as it's a bit removed from the areas where the other horses are. But after surgery, he'll be on stall rest for like a month, then back to the round pen for like 7 months.

So that's where we're at.

I wouldn't use the vets at Bannon Woods in Louisville. Very disappointed with their assessment of the injury and their lack of response to my email about the discrepancy in opinions.