there's more.

there's more in life and there's more in death. but faith is all you need for both.

It’s really easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day, mind-numbing drivel. I’m at a point in my life where I’m just barely making it by every day, week, month. I’m meeting unprecedented expenses on a regular basis, just when I think I get my head above water. I’m trapped in a job I don’t enjoy, but since I’m leaving town in about 10 months, there’s no way I could change jobs, and I definitely can’t quit. A long-distance relationship is taxing, emotionally and physically, and I hate it.

But, there’s an end date to my financial problems, we’ll manage finances together. There’s an end date to my job (THANK GOD!), and I’ll have the luxury of taking a little time off before I can pursue something more in line with my interests. And, there’s an end date to long-distance. I can’t wait. I honestly wish I could fast-forward through the wedding planning and get on with building our life.

The point is, there’s more. You’ll never be stuck in one place forever unless you choose to do it. You have to have faith that your hard work will pay off, that you’re talented enough to achieve your dreams, that God’s plan is the best, whether you know it or not.

And finally, whether this life sucks, is amazing, short, long, exciting or boring, it pales in comparison to what awaits us after we die. Our faith in God, in Jesus Christ, assures us that in death we have a new life free of all pain, suffering, frustration, loneliness. There’s more.

Have faith that there is more.

If I swim out...

and the sea takes me, it's different.

I found this quote on tumblr. It was paired with a photo.

At first I thought, how depressing, another indulgent line of sadness and hopelessness, let me indulge, too.

But as I looked at it more, I began to see it in a different light.

If I swim out, meaning, if I put in the effort, and the sea still takes me, it's different, better (?), than if I just give up and let the sea carry me away.

I should be swimming, we should all be swimming, even when we feel hopeless or that the sea is going to take us anyway.

A Review

Some time ago I heard about a new adaption of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes on the BBC, called Sherlock. It described the show as being extremely similar to Doyle's style but set in modern times, even employing the use of modern technology. I was intrigued but, having read many of the original stories, kind of wrote it off because of the modernity.

Recently I remembered the story and the show and I was struck with a curiosity to see it. Full episodes were not available on the BBC online, but I a quick Google search revealed a DailyMotion user called moffatholmes had the full episodes (Steven Moffat is a writer/director of the show, but I don't know if he owns the account).

Five minutes into the first episode and I was sold. Blown away, in fact, and immediately informed Joe of the gold mine I had just discovered. He started watching and was likewise impressed and hooked.

What was so good about those first five minutes? Well, for one, we see a PTSD-affected Dr. John Watson, played by Martin Freeman, being instructed to employ writing, or blogging, as therapy, but he has major writer's, and life block. The opening credits and music are perfectly mysterious and suspenseful. Immediately, we're introduced to a number of mysterious and horrible deaths - crimes or suicides?

When we're introduced to Sherlock Holmes, it's from the viewpoint of a body bag, and he proceeds to beat the living hell out of the dead body in order to examine the bruises. We also begin to see his powers of observation, as well as his social ineptitude, though in the book Holmes was a real charmer, but only for his crime-solving purposes, never for personal reasons.

In Doyle's stories and in film adaptions, Holmes is presented as a mature and experienced man, giving one the impression he is older. But this Sherlock, played by Benedict Cumberbatch (what a name!), is young, or appears to be young. Though the actor is actually 46, his long curly hair, slender frame, and smooth skin makes him appear much younger. When I first saw him as Sherlock, I was a little unsure and surprised, but he's definitely grown on me, and I really like his portrayal better than Robert Downey Jr.'s, though not better than Jeremy Brett's.

Watson, in this series, is a little more wounded and worrisome than he comes across as in the book and film adaptations. I have yet to warm up to him, or the actor, I'm not sure if it's the actor's portrayal or the way the character is written. I always imagined Watson to be a bigger, more barrel-chested man, and this one is rather slight and short.

But, too much discussion of the characters and actors, what's intriguing me is the phenomenal writing! This is a 100% modern day adaptation of Doyle's stories, so they are either completely new mysteries or heavily rewritten to work in modern times. That's quite a feat considering the complexity of the stories and the abundance of minute details required for them to work.

The use of texting, blogging and internet, medical and chemical equipment is frequent and well-done. The way they incorporate the texting and other things we can't really see, is pretty ingenious to me - just simple white, low-transparency text that slides onto the screen near the device. I love it! It tells you what's going on without anyone actually saying anything, thereby contributing to the overall atmosphere of the show, which is delightfully dark and snarky! British wit and humour at its best.

If you're looking for an engaging, adventuresome, well-written mystery show, this IS IT. The series started in 2010, skipped 2011, it ran this year and will continue next year. I'm looking forward to it. Totally obsessed in fact.

And, after a bit more "researching" of the show and cast, both Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch will be a part of the new Hobbit film. Great!

Good writing

always makes me want to write.

I'm currently reading A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway and it's wonderful.

Here's how it happened - I was scrolling on Tumblr, saw a quote from the book, was instantly moved and shared it with Joe, bought the book on my Nook the next day.

It took one sentence for me to be convinced the book was going to be great.

The only other writers who inspire me to write, as in write literature, are Jane Austen and Cormac McCarthy.

So now I am all dreamy and wistful and imagining myself as a successful, emotive writer. It might also be because A Moveable Feast is about writers in Paris in the 20s.

New goal - read more Hemingway.

Renewed goal - Become a great writer.

Bread

A bread recipe that didn't fail!!!

I adapted the Pumpkin Oat Bread recipe from Naturally Ella today. And oh my, delicious.

Instead of wheat flour, I used gluten free oat flour. I also swapped the pumpkin puree with sweet potato puree, because that's what I had on hand. I did not have any nut oils so I just used olive oil, which seemed to turn out alright. If When I make this again, I'll try coconut oil. I also only used 1/2 cup of maple syrup instead of 3/4 cup, because I like to limit my intake of sugar and I thought it might be a little sweet already from the sweet potato.

This was a super easy bread to make. Really, fool proof. And it turned out beautifully. I cut the bread up and ate the end pieces, then I put it in the freezer. I want to save some for Joe when he comes next weekend.

This is a great bread, very healthy. It's primarily oats, oat flour, walnuts, and sweet potato - so fiber, fiber and more fiber, with a splash of healthy oils. Perf.

Can't wait to share it with Joe and make it again!

Tell me how...

one goes about Fall alone.

As in, how does one do things in Fall alone?

Let's try pumpkin carving. So you go buy a pumpkin from the grocery store - not even a farm, because you're definitely not going to a farm alone - and you bring it home, set it on your table. You couldn't even start lopping the top off before you have a panic attack about how lonely and pathetic your life is.

Go jump in leaves. Rake up a pile of leaves. Look around to see who's watching you. Coast clear? Run and jump in those suckers. For approximately 5 seconds before you get bored. If you last any longer, your neighbor is definitely not gonna think you're a complete wacko. Not.

Snuggling. By yourself? That's a little awkward I think... ahem.

Walk through the woods to admire the leaves. Hold your own hand when it gets cold. Sit pensively on a log, like filler footage on the Bachelor. Get bored.

Eat pie alone. I guarantee you won't feel like a pathetic fat ass. While you're at it, eat two or three pieces - emotional eating at its finest!

Roast marshmallows. See eat pie alone.

Go to a haunted house, corn maze or hay ride. Yeah, when's the last time you peed your pants?

Trick or Treat alone. As an adult. In a creepy costume. Good luck convincing the police of your innocent motives.

Point is, Fall should be shared. To be cozy with someone, rub cold noses, warm each other's hands, steal flannels, have quiet conversations in the warm sun on a cool day, share a carefully prepared meal, laugh together while creating or playing, it's the only way to truly have a beautiful fall. I can't wait.

2011

all by myself

I have this whole weekend to myself. What to do?

I kind of love and hate weekends like these. On the one hand, I tend to get a lot of chores done that I put off. On the other, I find it hard to relax or go out and do something fun, enjoy the weather. I miss Joe.

I think I will do my best to abstain from getting on the internet at all this weekend. That's certainly no way to spend free time. On my to-do list -
~ Pick up and vacuum my apartment and put everything where it's supposed to be. This includes laundry. Ugh.
~ Get sweaty outside, somehow.
~ Shoot my gun and buy mace.
~ Begin working on Joe's flannel & chambray shirts and my plaid shirt. Eek!
~ Take some photographs.
~ Cook delicious, healthy meals.
~ Do something horsey? Dunno if I'll have time.

(Get this, I've had the same two cheeses in my fridge for a whole week. Unbelievable! Normally I eat cheese in a matter of hours days.)

Alright. That's it. Signing off to go eat the most boring lunch on Planet Earth. Be back some time next week maybe.

Peace.

Favorites from a store I lust after

I don't remember how I came across Scotch & Soda, but I loved it right away. The textures, the shapes, the photos, all seemed to meshed with my personal style, especially the one in my head.


So here are some of my favorite pieces for fall for men and women, or Joe and I. Someone, buy them for me! I can't afford em!

V-Neck Cardigan   Granddad w/ Placket   Granddad w/ Lining   Black Jacket   Army Jacket   Denim   Sweats 

Knit Sleeve Body Warmer   Trench Coat   Sailor Wool Shirt Jacket   Zip Through Print Cardigan   Shirt w/ Corduroy Elbow Patches   Hand Knit Zip Cardigan   Rough Cotton Twill Shirt   Heavy Weight Sweat Pants   Bowie Slim Fit Chino   Ralston 5 Pocket Slim Fit Jeans 

For some reason, I found it harder to narrow down my favorites in the menswear. Maybe I'm really just picky about my personal style. And, to be honest, I don't think these prices are terribly outrageous. I mean, it's a lot more than I can spend right now, but someday when I have a bit more money, I'd be willing to spend it on this quality clothing.

Ok, go shop! And be sure to look at the boys' and girls' collections, I dare you not go "awww."

Getting Impatient

As September brings the most beautiful and refreshing weather imaginable, I can't help but feel stifled by my life. My 15 minutes away from my desk on this perfectly clear and cool day is nothing but a reminder of how much I can't wait to move onto something else. I'm craving a change of pace, the chance to explore my own mind and my creativity, and the chance to have a real relationship with Joe. Living between weekends isn't doing it for me. Sunday afternoons get sadder and sadder and more frustrating. Why did I chose this?

Weekdays spent at a computer and weeknights spent rushing from one thing to another leaves me no room to enjoy my days. This weather, this atmosphere, this peace doesn't exist in my office. Life and love do not either. The need to make a change is getting noticeably stronger, overwhelmingly strong sometimes, but I'm paralyzed.

I don't know how or when to make a change and I don't know what the change even is.

Awkward and Awesome

Taking a cue from Sydney over at the Daybook, I'm gonna do my own little awkward & awesome post.

We'll start with the awkward, and close with the awesome.

The Awkward
~ Biking to work everyday. In the men's bathroom (it's the only one open downstairs right now!) I strip down and wipe sweat off before putting my work clothes on. I put a little powder on, attempt to make my hair look decent, and then desperately try not to sweat as I go to my office and field my boss's questions of hi, how are you?
~ Being an alumni in the university gym. Seriously, freshman girls, that much giggling is inappropriate. And no, young men, it is not ok to hit on me by telling me to improve my form.
~ Dealing with the consequences of eating delicious food I never eat over the weekend. Then dealing with the consequences of a multi-day green smoothie detox. At work...
~ Making poor clothing choices after a long weekend of indulgences. That dress was not flattering.
~ Sleeping in someone else's bed with unclean sheets and blankets. Gag!
~ Always going to the same coffee shop to get the same trail mix. I recognize all the baristas, I know they recognize me. Yes, yes I do have an addiction to trail mix and a propensity to eat emotionally. My job is depressing, ok?
~ Mouse turds on my futon. Really?!

The Awesome
~ Seeing almost all my family members and a couple friends in a four day trip from Louisville to Troy to Muncie to Chicago to Oconomowoc to Mosinee and back.
~ Biking between bars. I never knew such a joy could be had when bars were involved.
~ Bonfire + family + gluten free s'mores.
~ My grandma's gluten free chocolate chip banana muffins. Why I need a detox. omg.
~ Making something special for a family member.
~ Having a boyfriend with a like mind, the patience of a saint, and talking about our future together.
~ Trader Joe's.
~ A playful cat that ambushes my legs in the morning and evening.
~ Awaiting an order of fabric.
~ A new water bottle.
~ Settling on tattoo ideas.

Peace, folks.

A Love Poem to Fall

Fall, quiet, calm fFall. Coolness on my skin, a morning air that breathes into my bones.

I sense you in the morning, so near, a suggestion. By noon you are gone, the back of my t-shirt wet.

Clear, crisp, cool. Opposed by the oranges and reds of leaves, a soft sweater, a steaming cup.

Come, Season of Change, turn over the spoiled souls left in Summer's wake, we drag heavily on.

Sheltered

Yesterday, I realized how small, restricted and sheltered my entire horse experience has been.

I have never ridden a horse through trails or a field that has not been part of a guided ride.

I have never galloped on a horse.

I've never jumped.

I've competed on two horses.

I have never had to deal with proud flesh, horses that don't cross tie, colic, thrush, or hot horses.

The majority of my riding was spent in a ring.

I have only ever fallen off once. I'm afraid to fall off.

Yesterday, despite having about ten years of consistent riding beneath me, I felt less coordinated and secure in the saddle than I ever have been, and I had to admit (out loud and to myself) to not ever doing several things which seemed ridiculous for someone who started riding at age 9.

I have been paired with a horse at Second Stride named Lucky Albert. He's great, really. At 3 years old, he cross ties, carries a bit and rider without a fuss, he's well-behaved and not mouthy.

And me? I can't get my legs to work with my hands to work with my brain. And I get nervous riding through big fields, afraid to trot, unsure of myself.

I am hoping and praying that being paired with Albert, and going once or twice a week to ride will greatly improve my seat and my confidence. And I want Albert to be a great horse for whoever adopts him.

***

Give me a field, a stream, a tree, a horse, a place to create, to get dirty, a place to move and dream out loud, until then I cannot breathe.

Life is really simple...

but we insist on making it complicated.

This weekend I spent alone, and though I had plenty to do, I tried to take it slow. I am just so tired of running around constantly being busy and feeling simultaneously unproductive.

Saturday I went to the farmer's market for some produce. I looked at an apartment that I think will be perfect for me. It has a small private courtyard. Duh. I made an omelette with foods from the farmer's market. I went out to Second Stride to groom some horses and meet Albert, the young one I'm paired with. After that I went to Trader Joe's. I also finally got new bike tires! Oh, and I picked up a frame for my painting for the KY state fair!

I didn't do much after that - ate food, cut up half a watermelon, dropped half on the floor (because I bought the cheapest ziplocs I could find at Target), scrubbed and mopped the whole nasty-ass floor.

My time at the barn was relaxing. I groomed two horses and just kind of hung around. I was supposed to get my evaluation lesson from the trainer, but it just kept raining and she had to show a horse to a potential buyer. It's fine though, I enjoyed watching her and the potential buyer ride, and talking to people around the barn.

Sunday I went to church, kind of wandered around my house eating for a while. I took my bike out for a spin. Then I sat in my roommate's hammock in the back yard for most of the afternoon. I did some sketching. I also took tons of photos yesterday. It was a little rainy but then cleared up. Sitting in the hammock was glorious, just glorious. I couldn't move, it was so peaceful and relaxing.

That's what I want from life. I want all my Sundays to be the same, I just wish Joe could have been around. He said he'd be doing yard work while I did art. 

In the late afternoon I worked out, made some food, and drank a gluten free beer on my front stoop while I edited photos.

Despite wishing Joe was around the whole weekend, and needing to get things accomplished, it was very relaxing. I keep getting this feeling of "I need to do something..." At work, at home. Often it culminates in me getting on Facebook, looking at blogs, texting Joe. I don't know what it is I actually want to be doing, but I just feel so disconnected most of the time, and this weekend I did not feel that way (most of the time).

When we were canoeing last weekend, my stress level was almost non-existent. This summer is almost half over and I feel like I've been sprinting the whole time. I'm soooo busy, I tell everyone, yet I feel as though I have accomplished very little. I desperately want a simpler life, one where I feel free to let my creativity flow, one that makes me happy and doesn't drive me insane, one that I can greet every morning with a smile and an open heart.

I know that I cannot find happiness by searching for it. But dreading work and feeling as though it sucks the life out of me is no way to live. I know I need to find meaning in it and make it my own, yada yada, but it goes against my grain. More and more I feel drawn to the creative life. How, and when, and can I succeed, and will I get tired of it, too, eventually? are questions that plague my mind every day. 

I found this quote tonight:

"Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you." - Carl Jung.

Perhaps this is why I have been feeling so unidentifiably disconnected and frustrated, compounded by missing Joe growing tired of the long distance repetitiveness and rush. There are things that are important to me that I can't put my finger on. I hope I unearth them soon and can pursue them so that I can get some peace of mind.

Rainy Day

Connecting by Disconnecting

At 10:30 am on Saturday, we dropped a cooler, backpacks, tent and sleeping bags into a canoe and set off down the wide, slow-moving Green River in Mammoth Cave National Park on one of the hottest days of the year.

20 miles lay ahead of us. From Dennison Ferry to the Green River Ferry, we saw a handful of other people canoeing or kayaking, but from then on, we were primarily alone.

A slow-moving river in a national park that is absent of people is one of the most quiet and serene places to be. We canoed in silence much of the way, the only sound being our paddles dunking into the water and drip, drip, dripping up to dunk again, a steady 3 mph pace. A break in paddling revealed an astounding level of natural sounds, birds, bugs, rustling leaves, a fish splashing up for a bug. It was almost sacrilegious to resume paddling, or speak above hushed tones.

Saturday's goal was 15 miles, which we estimated would be Crump Island, the last island before Houchins Ferry. Crump Island was actually about 17 miles down river. There was no almost no current on the river, meaning we had to paddle almost constantly; no taking advantage of the current. I wondered whether my arms would make it around 10 miles, but I kept going.

The seclusion on the river allowed to see a number of deer, and Joe silently paddled us close while I snapped photos. It's the closest I've been to deer in the wild, and it was almost surreal to see them up close.

A couple times we stopped to get in the water, which was as refreshing and relaxing as crawling into a set of fresh, clean sheets after a long, tiring day, as waking up in a warm sleeping bag on a cold dewy morning, as drinking ice cold aloe water after a day at the beach. The water was several degrees below body temperature and it was difficult to get out after sinking into it.

We also came to a cave, and stopped to look in, but there wasn't much to explore. The cold air coming from the cave was heavenly and would have been glorious to camp near.

Around 5 pm we pulled our canoe onto the shore of Crump Island and set up camp. The tent was up in a matter of minutes. After a half hour of unsuccessful fishing, despite being able to see the fish clearly just off shore, we set up the small propane heater and warmed up the broccoli, cauliflower, and pre-cooked brown rice. Paired with a couple cans of tuna, it was more than we could eat. We made room for s'mores on gluten free graham crackers as the small fire crackled on the shore and the stars lit up the sky.

The unbearable bugs drove us into the tent in a short time. It was hot. We tried to play Gin, but it only made us sweat more. We gave up on doing anything other than lying still in the tent and tried to fall asleep. I was so horribly uncomfortable that I didn't sleep much. Joe, however, slept fine. That night the moon was so bright it looked like early morning. I desperately wanted to sleep soundly and wake up to a glowing morning, but by early morning I was so exhausted from barely sleeping that I slept soundly through the best part of morning.

By 8:30 we were packed up and back on the water, and it was already very hot. We thought we had about 5 miles to go, so we wanted an early start. We really only had about 2.5 miles to go, and once the Ferry came into view we took it slow.

Along this stretch of river a pair of bald eagles had built a nest and had a few babies. We never saw the nest, but we certainly saw the bald eagles. In fact they flew right over our heads in an attack on a blue heron that got too close to their babies. The babies were almost full-grown, all brown and slightly smaller than the adults. We watched them as long as we could, that is until they flew away. It was amazing being able to be so close to them in the wild.

As we neared the Ferry, reality came creeping back in. I didn't want to leave the security of the river. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to Joe, again. I didn't want to turn my cell phone on, or unpack my things at home. I didn't want to think about going to work the following day. The mental peace and clarity I experienced on the river, in the middle of nature, with not more than a handful of human souls, and absolutely no extraneous noise was and is everything I'll ever want.

I Always Forget Jesus was Actually a Carpenter

"If you could peek inside the studio of any artist, designer or craftsman (dead or alive), who would it be?

I’ll bet Jesus had some pretty sweet carpentry skills. I’d love to see his work."

Oh my word. That's brilliant.

From Etsy seller Wit & Whistle on Featured Seller.

The Ridiculous Notion You Can Do Nothing to Get Healthy and Lose Weight

This greeted me this morning as I logged in at.

Link

This headline is so ridiculous. First of all, it says you can be fit and healthy by being lazy, but they qualify it by saying "slightly lazy." What? What is slightly lazy? 

The truth is, you can't be consistently lazy and lose weight. You can make swaps and adjustments on little things in your life that will speed your weight loss or health goals, but those things alone will not get you there. If you aren't fully committed to living a healthy lifestyle, it won't happen for you.

I'm sorry but if you sit on your ass all day in bed, and eat vegetables and eggs, you're not going to see much success in weight loss or strength gain. 

It's ridiculous that we value our health and bodies so little that we have to find "low-effort" ways to maintain it. Hahaha. Health is one of the first things you need to have to have a good life, or a life at all. 

Here's one of the weight loss tricks they suggest - 

"Carry a Clutch

If you’re going to a party, carry a clutch instead of a hobo or shoulder bag, says Marisa Moore, RD, an Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics spokesperson. It keeps your hands full, making it more difficult to hold both a drink and a plate."

Are you serious? 

Here's another one -

"Have Your Meals Hand-Delivered

If cooking isn’t your thing, consider a healthy meal delivery service."

Sure, because those things aren't loaded with sodium and preservatives...

And another -

"Nail It

Rather than mindlessly munch in front of the tube, give yourself a DIY mani-pedi."

Really? Paint your nails to lose weight! It's easy!

These things alone aren't going to help you lose weight or achieve health goals. Some of the other suggestions they listed are things you should be doing anyway, because you're conscious of your health, what you're eating, what you're doing. These are healthy lifestyle choices you make because it's important to you, and if it's important to you, you're committed and you make time to cook well for yourself and get adequate exercise. There is no weight loss or health trick. It's just good eating and adequate physical activity. Good grief, how many times does that have to be said?

Canoeing and Backpacking Trip

Joe and I rather spontaneously decided to go to the Green River in Mammoth Cave national park and do an overnight canoe trip.

We're canoeing about 20 miles and sleeping in a tent on the shore about 2/3 of the way.

This will be a sort of test trip for me. I've never camped in a tent, nor have I actually done a lot of canoeing. I've never backpacked either. I am so super excited tho!

One of our dilemmas in packing is what to do about coffee. I love percolators but they take up space. So I devised a solution- a way to have fresh, good coffee without bringing something to brew it and without resorting to instant mixes.

Behold the homemade coffee sachets!

Step by Step Instructions for Coffee Bags for Camping, Backpacking and Canoeing!

Fold coffee filter in half then in thirds to determine where to cut. Cut just outside the fold lines.

Fold edges over twice and stitch using a zigzag or even a straight stitch.

Stitch both sides first.

Tie knots in the thread at each corner but leave one corner with long threads. You'll use this to steep your coffee.

Fill with two scoops of delicious coffee. This Pinon coffee from New Mexico is beyond delicious.

Fold top over twice and stitch towards the tail of thread you left. Leave enough thread to match first tail and knot together at several points on the tail.

The finished product. Perfectly portioned coffee bags for camp mornings. Pack in a plastic bag and remove air to preserve freshness.

Done and done. All you'll need on the trail are these packets and some hot water!

So excited for camping and coffee!

*Update: 

These worked really well actually. The only thing I will change about them in the future is to put fewer grounds in, one scoop instead of two. The reason is that it took a while for the water to soak through the two scoops and get strong enough. I'm thinking two bags with one scoop each for an 8-10oz mug would be just right.

Making Life

A beautiful life is crafted by following the heart, your heart. To tune out distractions, be honest with yourself and stay true is the hardest part, harder than the actual doing.

I'm constantly entwined in the internet and all the beautiful things shared in it. I'm on Pinterest, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and probably some sites I've completely forgotten about. I see beautiful things all day. I envy people, I long for places I've never been, I crave things, but most of all I crave a beautiful life. And to see others with seemingly beautiful lives can often be just a reminder to me that I don't have all that I want. But, the reality is that people that only share the beautiful things online, we see the best moments of people's lives constantly, so our expectations get completely out of whack.

A blog I follow (that's really no longer active) is truly so beautiful I could cry. But, the author writes so honestly that I know she struggles to maintain peace and happiness as well. What her blog always reminds me of is that a beautiful life is truly up to you, you craft it and you edit it, but you don't have to share it.

Sometimes I get caught up in feeling the need to be involved in all these social media things because the people whose lives I admire do so. But, the fact is that I won't have a happy life living in someone else's virtual world and a happy life won't come to me through pictures of perfection on the internet. I have to go make it.

I have to go make my life. Life should come first. A beautiful life will result when you stay true to your heart. Facing your heart may be the hardest part, because it forces you to come to terms with your insecurities, indecision and weaknesses. But only by facing those things can we ever expect to grow or go anywhere.

My Prayer Today

God, give me mindfulness.

I am so rushed, so overwhelmed, stressed, that I found myself inhaling my salad at lunch. There's no need to, and it will only give me indigestion. Food does not fill voids in our life, it nourishes. So, I ask for mindfulness today, in eating but also in all my other actions.

Foooood!

Breakfast:
1/2 cup gluten free oats
Scoop of stevia
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Mashed banana
Almond milk
1/2 scoop of protein powder
If oats are not quick cooking oats, cook halfway with water first. Then add rest of ingredients and finish cooking. So yummy!

Lunch:
Mixed greens salad w/ raspberries and blueberries. Olive oil, balsamic vinegar, raw maple syrup dressing.
Two small chicken tenders marinated in Indian spices and olive oil.
Two kiwis. I ate one for my morning snack.
Mixed raw veggies.

Afternoon snack is one ounce of almonds before kickboxing tonight!

Workout and Pancakes

Today I killed it on my workout. I was pouring sweat and shaking by the end. Part of that may have been due to the heat outside.

What I did was a variation on the ZWOW 16

Warm up for at least two minutes.
    I tend to skip my warmup, or at least skimp on it. I've started setting a stop watch for 2 minutes to warm myself up. This does not really involve "stretching." Stretching, like where you hang down and try to touch your toes, can be harmful when your muscles are not warmed up. It's good after you work out though. Warm up should include some dynamic movements, think light jogging in place, light jumping jacks, shadow boxing, arm circles. Get your muscles warm and your heart rate up a teeny bit.


Repeat this round of exercises for 30 minutes, yes 30.


10 pushups + row (optional).
   If you have a weight, include a row for each arm - do a regular pushup, then transfer your weight onto one hand, and pick up the weight with the other, bringing the weight close to your waistline and keeping your elbow tight.

20 lunges holding the weight (weight optional).
   You may also raise the weight over your head for increased intensity, or do twists. Remember, knees do not come in front of toes!

10 low squat burpees (pushup optional).
   I did not do a pushup in my burpee because there are already pushups in this workout and I figured it would be too extreme. So, get into a low squat position and do a forward frog jump, before you stand up drop down and kick back into the plank position (insert pushup), jump feet forward and without standing all the way up, do another forward frog jump. Stay low!

20 crab abs, or other ab exercise.
   Get into a table position position with your belly to the sky, kick one leg up into the air and touch it with the opposite hand. Do ten on each side.

50 high knees or 50 jumping jacks or 20 squat jumps.
    Pick some sort of cardio/plyo activity and do a number of them that would be considered medium difficulty.

Repeat until your 30 minutes are up!

Feel free to add or change exercises as you need to. And make sure you have some cool water to drink. You will be dead if you give it your best effort. Keep your rests or pauses short if you need to.

Cool down and stretch afterwards! Then go eat some protein!

First, I rehydrated with some water and some pure, organic coconut water (nature's gatorade! yum!).

Then I made a pancake. Yes, a pancake, and it's oh so healthy and delicious.

perfect flip!

To make:
3 egg whites
1 scoop of no sugar added protein powder (I like my BodyFortress Chocolate Whey!)
1-2 spoonfuls of pureed pumpkin
1-2 spoonful of stevia
1-2 spoonfuls of ground flax seed
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Almond milk for desired consistency

Mix that up, but not too much because we want it fluffy.

Pour it into a medium hot skillet with heated coconut oil (another miracle food, post later!). If you are skilled at flipping (I am!) pour it in all at once, otherwise, make two or three pancakes.

While it's cooking, mash up a banana, add a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a teaspoon of pure, raw, organic maple syrup (no HFCS here! yuck! natural, unprocessed sugars like honey and maple syrup are ok and have many beneficial properties).

Top your pancake(s) with the banana mash and ENJOY! OMG I want another one right now.

Ok, shower time and sleep!

Empty

She lifts her skirt up to her knees

Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing

And I never learned to count my blessings

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill

Through grass grown tall and brown

And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain

On past the busted back

of that old and rusted Cadillac

That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way ‒

So empty, so estranged?

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,

these cold and damp white mornings

I have grown weary

If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips

I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,

Let fall the flowers from your hair

And kiss me with that country mouth so plain.

Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves

To me it sounds like they're applauding us,

The quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way

So empty, so estranged?

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes

laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,

I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man

There's a lot of ways to die

Yes, and some already dead that walk beside me

There's a lot of things I don't understand

Why so many people lie

Well, it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me

Will I always feel this way

So empty, so estranged?

~ Ray LaMontagne

I adore the imagery and emotion in this song. So beautiful. Listen here. 

Long Overdue

It's been such a long time since I rode horses on a regular basis. Since high school four and a half years ago. 

My brief journey into saddleseat was interesting and educational, but totally opposite of everything I've ever learned and not the type of industry I want to be involved in.

Now that I have a job and successfully manage most of my finances (screw you student loans!), I'm making room in my budget for riding lessons. Hallelujah!

Although I could technically jump on any horse and be fine, it's almost impossible to find opportunities to ride without having to pay someone. I decided that if I'm going to pay someone to let me ride, they better be teaching me something interesting and useful. So, I opted for dressage lessons.

I've never done dressage. I've always been intrigued and amazed by it, especially after going to WEG. It's so technical and precise and I figured it would be a great way to regain my seat and learn new collection/extension/control techniques, which are useful in all disciplines (except saddleseat).

I'm going to chronicle my experience here. I hope to learn a lot and I'm going to tell you all about every detail because I'm like that.

~

My first lesson was on the 28th of Jan. I rode a big old Thoroughbred named Bo (or Beau?). He's about 15 years old and absolutely wonderful. So nice and calm and responsive! He was initially trained as a barrel racer, then found his place as a jumper where he was very successful. An injury forced him to retire and take up dressage. His owner goes to school at UK and the trainer is leasing him from her. I think we'll make a good team.

Although I had discussed my experience with the trainer, Laura Ovaitt, this lesson was still more evaluative than instructive. Laura needed to be able to understand my level of skill and I needed to simply get my seat back so I'd feel less awkward up there. Laura had me walk, trot and canter, and had me work on getting Bo to collect, i.e. tuck his nose and round his back, and push with his hind end. Bo has such a big stride, it will take some getting used to. Laura kept having to tell me to push him a little more, and she even said I looked small on top of him.

She also showed me the cues to get Bo to stretch his neck and nose down in the extended walk. I felt so good when I got him to do it!

The things I struggled with were posting (in dressage you normally sit the trot, but my seat is not ready for that), feeling like my legs were disconnect from my head (I felt like they were flopping all over, even though Laura said my position was very "hunter-jumper," I guess that means tight legs, straight body), and coordinating my cues (i.e. trying to signal for a canter while maintaining collection, etc, that will come back with more practice).

The thing about horse back riding is that it requires individual muscles to work independently and simultaneously to properly cue the horse. This takes a lot of practice, and I've been out of practice for a long time. And, riding horses uses muscles you didn't know you had. The insides of my thighs were sore as soon as I stepped down.

~

My next lesson is on Thursday after work. I'm pumped. I gotta get there a little early to get Bo ready, so that's fun. Laura said she wanted to do longe-line work with me to improve my seat, legs and balance. Ahh! Nervous. Not a big fan of longe-line work. I have control issues and I'm concerned my balance is not going to be good enough to stay on. We'll see what happens Thursday!

Love, Hate

Currently...

Things I love:

~ A cat that freaks out over a speck of something on the floor.

~ The increasing acceptance of beauty and knowledge and responsibility in the world.

~ A boyfriend who loves me.

~ A secure job (I hope anyway).

~ Being able to afford horseback riding lessons. Next week, baby.

~ Exercising.

~ Being a semi-morning person.

Things I hate:

~ Rotting food in the fridge.

~ When my cat gallops across my laptop or scratches at my door.

~ Politics and one-sided perspectives.

~ Student loans. So sad.

~ People who drive cars.

~ People who clog the gym who aren't committed to a healthy lifestyle.

~ Cat hair.

That is all. 

Adding to my book list

I saw this quote on a tumblr I follow and it really struck a chord with me. Makes me want to read the book.


‘My good woman, we can’t see you here without being alarmed for your safety. A stronger squall -‘
She turned to him - or as it seemed to Charles, through him. It was not so much what was positively in that face which remained with him after that first meeting, but all that was not as he had expected; for theirs was an age when the favoured feminine look was the demure, the obedient, the shy. Charles felt immediately as if he had trespassed; as if the Cobb belonged to that face, and not to the Ancient Borough of Lyme.


The French Lieutenant's Woman, by John Fowles