Every Day

I have never been, and probably never will be, a good verbal communicator in regards to my emotions. I can say so much more on paper (or on the computer screen?), and I've often used writing to communicate with those that I care about. Everything I write is the truth, it is the way I feel whether I could ever say it out loud or not.

Right now I have the terrible urge to write about these emotions I'm feeling. I know that I want to write and I know what I want to write about, but I cannot seem to find the right words. Maybe I just need to force myself.

All my life I have looked up to you, Grandma, as an inspiration, model, guide. Your obvious love for your family, your humor, your faith, your creativity, your hunger for knowledge, your reserve and patience, have made me strive to be more like you and want to grow as an individual.

I enjoy every chance I am able to spend time with you and I feel very blessed to have you as my grandmother. From baking gingerbread cookies and playing with your old jewelry to watching the Lipizzaner stallions and helping with the garage sale to examining your flowers for future paintings and marveling at all the beauty around us, I try to remember every moment because I know they are limited.

I think, Grandma, that you have the strength and faith to overcome this leukemia BS, especially combined with the strength and faith of all the people who love and care about you and are praying for you. 

Grandma, I have no idea what you're going through and what you might be feeling, but I know your faith is astounding. 

I know you are averse to my lesbian professor, but she recently sent us this poem to listen to, to help us expand our writing skills:
 

I know this is how you see it, and I hope I can see it this way too. That we can be capable of celebrating the life that we are graciously granted every moment by God, because without him we have no chance. And to live in fear of death or failure is to live a life of death and failure. 

"Every day something has tried to kill me, and has failed."