My back pressed against a cool granite bench, I gaze into and through the tree swaying, sometimes frenetically, above my head. The strong breeze sometimes drowns the chirping birds. But it's the sound of the city - large trucks, bad brakes, church bells - that drown the breeze, the birds, the rustling of the leaves.
I'm transported, out of body, to the shore of Lake Tahoe, the park, a vision in my head of a place I've never been, the home I'm about to make, the seclusion of my parent's yard. It's all birds, whispering leaves, blue sky flecked with fluffy clouds, and when I close my eyes I lose the vision, I hear only the city, feel the trembling through the granite bench. But the wind and the sunlight bouncing over my eyelids saves me from the despair of another moment among the trucks, the concrete, the leering men.
Exasperation. I feel it but do not wish to express it because it will change nothing and I do not want to seem ungrateful. In truth I am very blessed, but I am out of my element, so far out of my element I sometimes forget what it even is. And then a moment comes along - this moment - that yanks me so far back to the most grounded and complete and lost portion of my soul. I remember that it is still possible to feel sane, connected, grateful, observant, present, at peace.
I dream and I dream of this feeling, and there it was. I will savor it, search for it, long for it. And pray that they not be so far and few between. Sustenance.
I'm transported, out of body, to the shore of Lake Tahoe, the park, a vision in my head of a place I've never been, the home I'm about to make, the seclusion of my parent's yard. It's all birds, whispering leaves, blue sky flecked with fluffy clouds, and when I close my eyes I lose the vision, I hear only the city, feel the trembling through the granite bench. But the wind and the sunlight bouncing over my eyelids saves me from the despair of another moment among the trucks, the concrete, the leering men.
I don't know how I have lasted this long. In this moment, I am the closest to myself I have been in a very long time.
Exasperation. I feel it but do not wish to express it because it will change nothing and I do not want to seem ungrateful. In truth I am very blessed, but I am out of my element, so far out of my element I sometimes forget what it even is. And then a moment comes along - this moment - that yanks me so far back to the most grounded and complete and lost portion of my soul. I remember that it is still possible to feel sane, connected, grateful, observant, present, at peace.
I dream and I dream of this feeling, and there it was. I will savor it, search for it, long for it. And pray that they not be so far and few between. Sustenance.
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