This has been a rough couple (18?) months. Despite some overwhelmingly positive things - getting Smoky, Joe having a great internship - I've experienced depression and anxiety on a level that hasn't been matched since college.
Recently Sydney at The Daybook offered a 7 day self-care challenge that completely blew my socks off and set me down a new path. I'm trying to learn a new way of thinking about myself. Trying to replace the old, negative lies I learned in childhood with truths. It's so hard. And when it seems like I just can't escape the negativity, the adversity, I still have to keep trying to believe the truths and shut down the lies.
When you can't stop arguing with your spouse and have to face the reality of your own deficiencies. When you run out of money and then get news that your already expensive horse needs more expensive care. When you find THE PERFECT job, have two great interviews, and still get rejected. When you ask for feedback on said rejection, and get silence. When you're trying to change and it just isn't good enough.
You still have to disbelieve the lies about worthlessness and believe the truths about worth and deserving love. It's hard.
Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake - well I've made many and I'm trying to forgive myself - but I think maybe I should sell Smoky. Let someone else with deeper pockets and a healthier brain take care of him properly.
I've been unable to earn what I need to earn to take care of him on my own up to this point. The additional hours I could work have felt insurmountable, it feels like I've been sacrificing my sanity to work the hours I currently do. That combined with the travel, the expensive apartment, the health insurance, etc, has depleted my bank account. So, yesterday when I talked to the barn owner and she said the vet needs extra time to do Smoky's teeth and also wants to scope him for ulcers, it made me feel pretty panicky.
I decided to just go sit with him in his paddock and keep him company for a while. And when I did, it reminded why I ought to try harder for him. He followed me around the paddock and came to me when I asked him to. He stopped when I stopped. And when I sat down on a bucket, he opted to stop eating his hay and stand right next to me, practically on top of me, and playfully snuffle around and bite my hat while I rubbed his chest.
He is such a great dude and he deserves to be taken care of - treated appropriately for his ulcers, teeth done regularly, etc - and if I have to work an extra 5-10 hours a week for the next few months, I can do that right? I already feel like stripped of my self, bored to tears, and irritated beyond belief at my job, so it can't actually get that much worse, right??
Recently Sydney at The Daybook offered a 7 day self-care challenge that completely blew my socks off and set me down a new path. I'm trying to learn a new way of thinking about myself. Trying to replace the old, negative lies I learned in childhood with truths. It's so hard. And when it seems like I just can't escape the negativity, the adversity, I still have to keep trying to believe the truths and shut down the lies.
When you can't stop arguing with your spouse and have to face the reality of your own deficiencies. When you run out of money and then get news that your already expensive horse needs more expensive care. When you find THE PERFECT job, have two great interviews, and still get rejected. When you ask for feedback on said rejection, and get silence. When you're trying to change and it just isn't good enough.
You still have to disbelieve the lies about worthlessness and believe the truths about worth and deserving love. It's hard.
Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake - well I've made many and I'm trying to forgive myself - but I think maybe I should sell Smoky. Let someone else with deeper pockets and a healthier brain take care of him properly.
I've been unable to earn what I need to earn to take care of him on my own up to this point. The additional hours I could work have felt insurmountable, it feels like I've been sacrificing my sanity to work the hours I currently do. That combined with the travel, the expensive apartment, the health insurance, etc, has depleted my bank account. So, yesterday when I talked to the barn owner and she said the vet needs extra time to do Smoky's teeth and also wants to scope him for ulcers, it made me feel pretty panicky.
I decided to just go sit with him in his paddock and keep him company for a while. And when I did, it reminded why I ought to try harder for him. He followed me around the paddock and came to me when I asked him to. He stopped when I stopped. And when I sat down on a bucket, he opted to stop eating his hay and stand right next to me, practically on top of me, and playfully snuffle around and bite my hat while I rubbed his chest.
He is such a great dude and he deserves to be taken care of - treated appropriately for his ulcers, teeth done regularly, etc - and if I have to work an extra 5-10 hours a week for the next few months, I can do that right? I already feel like stripped of my self, bored to tears, and irritated beyond belief at my job, so it can't actually get that much worse, right??
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