I have been spending a lot of time alone, except for this past week in which I hung out with someone almost every day. It was weird. Anyway, when I spend a lot of time alone, I do a lot of thinking, which isn't always good. You know people who "think too much" and it's "not good for them"? I'm one of those people. I get stressed and worried and emotional.
I worry about whether I'll find a job. Whether I'll get Teach for America in Indianapolis or not. Whether I will run out of money (I probably really don't have to worry about this but I can't help it and I'm trying to do the right things to manage it). Whether I will be able to complete my research. Whether I'll graduate, and do all the things necessary to graduate. Whether I'm even employable. Whether I'm crazy or depressed. Whether I have a real purpose I'm working for. Whether Joe is safe on his travels or not. Whether I'll ever be able to have a horse or a dog or a garden. Whether I'll be able to retain my friends when we all move away. Whether I'll get mugged walking around Louisville or if someone will break into my apartment (I also probably don't have to worry about this but I do). Whether I made the right decision about what to study in college. Whether my truck is going to keep running (also probably not something I need to worry about). Whether my family and dogs are doing ok or not and how often I'll get to see them.
So that's what I spend my free time doing. And the time I'm supposed to be sleeping. And the time I'm supposed to be spending in class.
Recently I was listening to Jack Johnson and one of his lyrics caught me off guard.
"If this moment keeps on moving, we were never meant to hold on."
(Jack Johnson has some really great lyrics.)
And that's so true. So with every job application and interview that amounts to nothing I keep reminding myself that if it didn't work out, it didn't work out because it was getting out of the way for something that will work out.
I want a part time job. But, if they offer me a position and then tell me a few hours later they gave it to someone else, then it wasn't meant to work out.
I want Teach For America in Indy. If I don't get it, then it's not what I'm supposed to be doing.
I think it's very important to remember that even if you have your heart set on something it may not be the right thing. And you won't know until you have it or it passes you by. If it passes you by then it's getting out of the way for something else. The hardest part is feeling secure with this process. The only way to not freak out is to trust that God has something planned, and if you put your effort in he will reward it.
Also, I'm sorry for all these picture-less posts. It's cold and grey and I am too busy wallowing in the quagmire of thoughts in my head to find things to take pictures of.
Fear or faith. Gotta pick one. They can't coexist; one takes your attention from the other. It's not a single decision to choose faith; it's a chronic process of ignoring fear and opting for faith. Lots of evidence of His provision for you. I'd think it would be okay for you to develop confidence in both yourself and Him.
ReplyDeleteSomeone recently repeated an old cliche to me - God can see around corners, we can't - and it came at a time when I really needed to be reminded of it. As someone who also gets wrapped up in my thoughts/fears/obsessions to the point of ridiculousness, and now having lived long enough to see evidence of His being able to see around corners, I think it's important to strive to live by faith, and trust in His plan. I would add that doing so empowers one to do what we're supposed to do - live more in the moment, live mindfully, etc. God places people, and opportunities, in your life when it is appropriate. If we are living mindfully, prayerfully and faithfully, we hopefully will have the good sense to recognize His plan at work and act on what He provides. And so often, it is not what we thought we wanted, or what we expected - but it is always, always better.
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