It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
What is it when you realize you may have all but given up a dream?
Regretful? Disappointing? Offensive? Hurtful? Shameful? Crushing?
10 years. A decade. 1/10 of a century.
By the end of Summer 2017, it will have been 10 years since I gave up my horse and put my dream of owning a horse again on hold.
10 years since I said goodbye to the sweetest gelding I've known.
10 years since I packed him off to a family who promised to love him forever, and then somewhere in there, decided they didn't love him and sold him off to someone else.
10 years since I said everything I do in life going forward leads to horses.
10 years since I really thought I could make this dream come true on my own without a shred of confidence in what I wanted to do.
What happened?
I moved 400 miles away to pursue my "dream" of going to college.
Against my instincts, I entered into and completed a program that didn't resonate with me, fleshed out a nice case of anxiety and depression. Eventually I finagled my way into a career I thought might work better.
It didn't. I spent 2+ years trying to convince myself I could do marketing and pay for my loans and ultimately fell into depression again.
I got married, and committed my life to Joe, a good choice, but now we must split our dreams and choose some over others.
I quit working a job I hated, hooray, but then proceeded to flounder for another 2+ years, before negotiating part time work that I found fulfilling, but not very profitable.
I devoted countless hours and money that Joe earned to fixing a house that we didn't love and that didn't love us back.
But we've moved again to fulfill one of Joe's dreams, hooray.
And now, here I am, set up for another 2+ years of kind of not really doing anything that makes my heart sing, and hoping that we have enough money during this time to pay our costly rent.
What can I say for myself? I am egregiously disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to suck it up, and happily enough, to make this dream happen for myself.
In that time, I have taken a couple years of lessons to maintain my skill, and it's nice, but it feels like scratching all around the itch, not the itch itself. And I can't take it anymore. I will be purchasing a horse before my ten year hiatus is up. One way or another, this dream will come to fruition before I hit 30.
I guess what I need to do is determine how much money I need, how much my husband is willing to part with during a year, and what it actually is that makes me excited to work day to day. I'm wasting my life by not doing any of the things that truly resonate with me and make me feel like Me.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
What is it when you realize you may have all but given up a dream?
Regretful? Disappointing? Offensive? Hurtful? Shameful? Crushing?
10 years. A decade. 1/10 of a century.
By the end of Summer 2017, it will have been 10 years since I gave up my horse and put my dream of owning a horse again on hold.
10 years since I said goodbye to the sweetest gelding I've known.
10 years since I packed him off to a family who promised to love him forever, and then somewhere in there, decided they didn't love him and sold him off to someone else.
10 years since I said everything I do in life going forward leads to horses.
10 years since I really thought I could make this dream come true on my own without a shred of confidence in what I wanted to do.
What happened?
I moved 400 miles away to pursue my "dream" of going to college.
Against my instincts, I entered into and completed a program that didn't resonate with me, fleshed out a nice case of anxiety and depression. Eventually I finagled my way into a career I thought might work better.
It didn't. I spent 2+ years trying to convince myself I could do marketing and pay for my loans and ultimately fell into depression again.
I got married, and committed my life to Joe, a good choice, but now we must split our dreams and choose some over others.
I quit working a job I hated, hooray, but then proceeded to flounder for another 2+ years, before negotiating part time work that I found fulfilling, but not very profitable.
I devoted countless hours and money that Joe earned to fixing a house that we didn't love and that didn't love us back.
But we've moved again to fulfill one of Joe's dreams, hooray.
And now, here I am, set up for another 2+ years of kind of not really doing anything that makes my heart sing, and hoping that we have enough money during this time to pay our costly rent.
What can I say for myself? I am egregiously disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to suck it up, and happily enough, to make this dream happen for myself.
In that time, I have taken a couple years of lessons to maintain my skill, and it's nice, but it feels like scratching all around the itch, not the itch itself. And I can't take it anymore. I will be purchasing a horse before my ten year hiatus is up. One way or another, this dream will come to fruition before I hit 30.
I guess what I need to do is determine how much money I need, how much my husband is willing to part with during a year, and what it actually is that makes me excited to work day to day. I'm wasting my life by not doing any of the things that truly resonate with me and make me feel like Me.
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