What is a calling? Is it that gut feeling? A pull from within? Is it the circumstances you find yourself in?
I've had many gut feelings, ranging from "Oh No" to "My God, Yes". Some have been easy, obvious. Others... they've been battles, they are battles.
What is it when you feel pulled away from something, but not towards anything particularly obvious? What is it when you're pulled towards something you can't really get to?
I know what it should feel like, and it isn't like this.
...
As a child I spent my free time making art, of all kinds. I drew horses and house floor plans. I painted scenes and gourds. I made soap and small leather saddles. I took photos. I beaded and wove. I built dirt houses and sculpted clay. I cut and soldered glass. I drew clothes and sewed. It was SOOO obvious.
And then, two things happened.
1. My high school had a SHIT art program. Like basically non-existent. As a freshman, my teacher had us making styrofoam sculptures and cried during class about her son. Thus, I opted out of my school's art classes.
2. As I began my search for a college and a career, I was told a few lies. One, that it wouldn't be possible for me to get into an art program. Two, that there was no reasonable career in it. Three, that I had to choose something and stick with it, forever.
These things led me to hush ideas about a creative career, despite my interest in fashion design, graphic design, and architecture, and my first nugget of self-knowledge that I acquired: that I cannot work in a box sitting down pretending to enjoy it.
Thus began nearly a decade of confusion, anxiety, depression and massive self-doubt. And I am still embroiled in it.
...
Recently, my therapist asked me to narrow down a large list of priorities or values to the 10 or so I valued most.
I got to about 16 and couldn't eliminate any thereafter, but the main ones are as follows:
Adventure
Gratitude
Hope
Purpose
Compassion
Health
Achievement
Genuineness
Leisure
Humor
Spirituality
Autonomy
Creativity
Passion
Friendship
Simplicity
These are things I knew in my heart, some from a very young age. I've always been sort of a spiritual, head-in-the-clouds being, identifying very early in life with Neil Young's Dreamin Man. To feel truly whole, I need wide open spaces, the ability to get lost; animals, my dog and my horse, true companions; unfettered artistic creation of some kind; the ability to drift and move; warmth; discovery; quiet; minimal expectation, independence.
When I think of these things:
Exploring wide open spaces with my dog
Having that bond riding a fuzzy horse bareback
Canoeing across still, foggy waters
Finding creative flow and making a living from it
Feeling the eternal warmth of the sun on my face as I explore a new place
Being in tune with my body
I could cry with impatience, with the electricity of those things connecting my soul to my purpose, with gratitude.
Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach when you thought of or saw your middle school crush? It's that feeling, but for living in tune with your true self.
...
It is a painful thing to not be doing your calling.
I've had many gut feelings, ranging from "Oh No" to "My God, Yes". Some have been easy, obvious. Others... they've been battles, they are battles.
What is it when you feel pulled away from something, but not towards anything particularly obvious? What is it when you're pulled towards something you can't really get to?
I know what it should feel like, and it isn't like this.
...
As a child I spent my free time making art, of all kinds. I drew horses and house floor plans. I painted scenes and gourds. I made soap and small leather saddles. I took photos. I beaded and wove. I built dirt houses and sculpted clay. I cut and soldered glass. I drew clothes and sewed. It was SOOO obvious.
And then, two things happened.
1. My high school had a SHIT art program. Like basically non-existent. As a freshman, my teacher had us making styrofoam sculptures and cried during class about her son. Thus, I opted out of my school's art classes.
2. As I began my search for a college and a career, I was told a few lies. One, that it wouldn't be possible for me to get into an art program. Two, that there was no reasonable career in it. Three, that I had to choose something and stick with it, forever.
These things led me to hush ideas about a creative career, despite my interest in fashion design, graphic design, and architecture, and my first nugget of self-knowledge that I acquired: that I cannot work in a box sitting down pretending to enjoy it.
Thus began nearly a decade of confusion, anxiety, depression and massive self-doubt. And I am still embroiled in it.
...
Recently, my therapist asked me to narrow down a large list of priorities or values to the 10 or so I valued most.
I got to about 16 and couldn't eliminate any thereafter, but the main ones are as follows:
Adventure
Gratitude
Hope
Purpose
Compassion
Health
Achievement
Genuineness
Leisure
Humor
Spirituality
Autonomy
Creativity
Passion
Friendship
Simplicity
These are things I knew in my heart, some from a very young age. I've always been sort of a spiritual, head-in-the-clouds being, identifying very early in life with Neil Young's Dreamin Man. To feel truly whole, I need wide open spaces, the ability to get lost; animals, my dog and my horse, true companions; unfettered artistic creation of some kind; the ability to drift and move; warmth; discovery; quiet; minimal expectation, independence.
When I think of these things:
Exploring wide open spaces with my dog
Having that bond riding a fuzzy horse bareback
Canoeing across still, foggy waters
Finding creative flow and making a living from it
Feeling the eternal warmth of the sun on my face as I explore a new place
Being in tune with my body
I could cry with impatience, with the electricity of those things connecting my soul to my purpose, with gratitude.
Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach when you thought of or saw your middle school crush? It's that feeling, but for living in tune with your true self.
...
It is a painful thing to not be doing your calling.
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