A funny thing happened. Shortly after I sold my pony, like days, I left Wisconsin to start college in Kentucky, and just like that I found myself living in a life that felt upside down. It honestly felt strange for me to walk. I felt more comfortable riding. There was a constant - riding - and then there was not. Nothing was familiar, nothing. Not even my sheets. I listened to Neil Young for hours because that was the only thing that was still the same.
Eventually I got into the hustle and bustle of college and in doing so, completely neglected to fully process the severing and dismemberment of my life, the removal of Encore from my person.
Since then, I've barely been able to discuss this without breaking down in tears. But, some things in my life have changed, there's been a lot of emotional inspection, some healing, some enlightenment. I'm presently in a very good situation riding this horse Opa as I plan to purchase a horse next year, but today, I realized something very important. I'm not just buying a horse like one might buy a new handbag or a shirt or a car. I knew it was more than that, that I was seeking that connection once more, but it took seeing a photo online that brought me back to what it really means.
An old photo surfaced on Facebook that showed several of my horse show friends aboard their ponies all lined up watching another friend ride hers in the grass. I'm not sure what was going on, but it is a funny photo. I'm not in the photo, it was a year maybe after I left. But when I look at the photo, I see relaxation, in everyone, and I remember it in my person.
Maybe this is what healing looks like. No longer fearing the pain of what happened, or fearing that it will happen again. Feeling more than just the surface emotions of sadness, anger, and longing. Feeling love, and comfort, and willingness.
What I want most is that casual familiarity of true bond, where you know your horse and your horse knows you, where riding feels as natural as walking, where there is true leisure in being together.
That feeling, nay, tangible connection, is worth fighting for.
Eventually I got into the hustle and bustle of college and in doing so, completely neglected to fully process the severing and dismemberment of my life, the removal of Encore from my person.
Since then, I've barely been able to discuss this without breaking down in tears. But, some things in my life have changed, there's been a lot of emotional inspection, some healing, some enlightenment. I'm presently in a very good situation riding this horse Opa as I plan to purchase a horse next year, but today, I realized something very important. I'm not just buying a horse like one might buy a new handbag or a shirt or a car. I knew it was more than that, that I was seeking that connection once more, but it took seeing a photo online that brought me back to what it really means.
An old photo surfaced on Facebook that showed several of my horse show friends aboard their ponies all lined up watching another friend ride hers in the grass. I'm not sure what was going on, but it is a funny photo. I'm not in the photo, it was a year maybe after I left. But when I look at the photo, I see relaxation, in everyone, and I remember it in my person.
Maybe this is what healing looks like. No longer fearing the pain of what happened, or fearing that it will happen again. Feeling more than just the surface emotions of sadness, anger, and longing. Feeling love, and comfort, and willingness.
What I want most is that casual familiarity of true bond, where you know your horse and your horse knows you, where riding feels as natural as walking, where there is true leisure in being together.
That feeling, nay, tangible connection, is worth fighting for.
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