The Ultimate Baking Fail

The other day I thought I would try to make some delicious cookies using this recipe.

Here's how it started: Instead of chocolate chips I thought I'd use melted cocoa powder, sugar and oil. Even at a hot temperature it was still grainy. That's when I wondered if this was going to go well or not.

I knew it was not going to go well when, after placing my three eggs in the hot water to warm them up to room temperature, I cracked one open and let the yolk fall into the bowl and the white was just a teeny bit cooked. Oops. 

Then, I tried to scoop the yolk out and almost had it when it broke. I scooped out as much as I could and cracked the other two egg whites into the bowl. They both had whitish whites from the (too hot) warm water.

I said F-it! and kept going. The recipe called for peaked whipped egg whites ...

and mine never peaked.

I thought it might be ok so I kept going. Then, when I tried to substitute potato starch for corn starch I spilled about a 1/2 cup of potato starch ALL over the place.

I kept going. I think I might be dumb.

Sooo, I added all the sugar and chocolate, which is mostly what these cookies are, then I added a tablespoon of baking soda because I thought it might help with the fact that my eggs didn't fluff.

Re.tar.ded.

When I added the warm chocolate my dough (?) didn't really get any thicker like the recipe said it would.

I was supposed to plop little balls of dough into powdered sugar and bake them on a cookie sheet, but because my dough was so thin I decided to use my muffin tin and forego the extra sugar (just look at the recipe!).

Then I stuck them in the oven and started doing some dishes. It occurred to me they might overflow a bit so I checked them about halfway through the time and ... they were overflowing. And when I say overflowing, I mean the dough had bubbled up and covered the entire top of the muffin tin.

I thought they might be okay, still (why? I don't know), so I placed my cookie sheet underneath the muffin tin to catch any dripping dough. Yeah.

That didn't really work. So I took them out. After trying to catch some of the dough spilling over the edge with a spoon. In taking them out I got chocolate goo all over my oven gloves! And the stuff was sticky, like glue, chocolate glue!

I put the muffin tin on the stove and pulled out the cookie sheet. I didn't know what else to do or how to salvage them so I turned the muffin tin upside down on the cookie sheet and proceeded to scrape the goo out of the muffin cups. 

Like this:

Thankfully, the stuff in the muffin cups had cooked a bit and came out pretty cleanly. I ate some of it (no shame) and it wasn't terrible. 

I think this was God's way of telling me to eat the healthy food I had just bought a few hours ago.

Needless to say I threw it all away. The stuff glued itself to just about everything it came into contact with.

...

Note to self: When the recipe calls chocolate chips, use chocolate chips. When the recipe calls for room temperature eggs, use room temperature eggs. When the recipe calls for meringue egg whites, make your egg whites into meringue. If they do not turn into meringue, you are screwed. Don't substitute potato starch for corn starch. Don't think baking soda does the same thing as meringue (???). Eat the healthy food in your fridge.

There must have been something wrong with me that day. Misfiring synapses, a chemical imbalance. I don't know. Live and learn I guess.